Teens @ APL: January 2006::
so-tiny problems: hes her horrible step-mothers nephew, and he just happens to You could join the rugby team for requisite male bonding.
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I need research on the problems with step-mothers bonding with their
step-daughters, especially if there are existing biological
daughters/children in the household. The specific situation involves
a household in which a non-biological daughter was brought into the
family that had two existing older daughters, i.e., similar to the
"Cinderella" story with similar results.
Hello, benfranklin-ga!
You have posed another fascinating research question. I have tried to
focus on the special problems between stepmothers and stepdaughters.
However, most of the research speaks primarily to the issues of
stepparenting, regardless of the gender of the child.
I have done my best to highlight some of the articles that deal
directly with stepmother-stepdaughter issues. Research dealing with
the special rivalries between the stepmother's natural child and
stepchildren as it relates specifically to females was elusive except
for a few, small snippets.
====================================================
BONDING PROBLEMS BETWEEN STEPMOTHER AND STEPDAUGHTER
====================================================
From "Stepmoms step up to the plate," by Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY.
(5/6/2002)
http://www.usatoday.com/life/2002/2002-05-07-stepmom.htm
"But the experts say the relationship between a teenage stepdaughter
and stepmother can be truly horrific."
"This issue is just huge," says Susan Shapiro Barash, author of Second
Wives. Her next book will center on the struggle. A daughter is
already competing with her mother, and then this new woman comes
along, Barash says. And the stepdaughter becomes "keenly aware of what
the new woman does for her father that her mother didn't do."
======
From "Building Step Relationships." Stepping Stones for Stepfamilies.
http://www.extension.iastate.edu/Publications/PM1832.pdf
"Stepmothers have the most difficulty building a relationship with
stepdaughters. There is generally less affection, less respect, and
less acceptance in this relationship than in other stepfamily
relationships. The daughter may resent the stepmother's closeness with
her father.
"This is especially true if the father and daughter had a strong
relationship prior to the stepmother's arrival. Attempts by the
stepmother to fulfill her role in the stepfamily may be perceived by
the stepdaughter as efforts to replace her mother."
****
"Accepting the fact that stepparents normally have different feelings
towards stepchildren than they do their own may help the stepmother
resolve feelings of guilt."
***
=======
There is actually no reason to believe that a stepmother would
automatically have the "same" feelings for her stepdaughter as she
would for her own daughter.
The following excerpt is from the Conclusion of a 170 page paper
titled:
"Exploring the Stepgap: How Parents' Ways of Coping with Daily Family
Stressors Impact Stepparent-Stepchild Relationship Zuality in
Stepfamilies," by Melady Preece. University of British Columbia.
(1996)
http://www.psych.ubc.ca/~mpreece/compdoc.pdf
"It has been consistently found that stepfamilies are not as close as
nuclear families (Kennedy, 1985; Pill, 1990) and that
stepparent-stepchild relationships are not as emotionally close as
parent-child relationships (Ganong & Coleman, 1986; Hetherington &
Chlingempeel, 1992, Hobart, 1989) Many clinicians and researchers
assume that stepfamilies tend to become closer over time. However,
previous longitudinal studies conducted on stepfamilies have found
little empirical support for this (Hetherington & Clingempeel, 1992;
Kurdek, 1991).
=====
From "A Player to be Named Later." North Heartland Community Church
(1996)
http://www.northheartland.org/1996/051996m.htm#1a
"One stepmother tells of the first weekends when her two elementary
age stepdaughters would come for their visitation time. The little
girls would play and visit with their father ... but when the
stepmother came around, the older girl immediately changed ... Any
approach by the stepmother - be it one of love, of discipline or of
simple conversation - would send the girl flying into a rage.
"After a period of time, the younger sister came to talk to her
stepmother concerning the older sister. She professed confusion,
explaining to her stepmother that their older sister had told her that
if she was nice to her stepmother, it meant that "she really didn't
love Mommy anymore."
"While most cases may not be that extreme ... questions of loyalty
occur in almost every stepfamily relationship where both natural
parents are still involved in the lives of the children.11
Reference cited:
===============
"Stepparent Is Not a Bad Word," by David Z. Nowell, Ph.D
===
From "Reconstituted families vs Single-Parent Families."
http://wl.middlebury.edu/derick/
The one most significant factor that neutralizes the advantages of
remarrying is the psychological dilemma the child goes through over
whom to love. The child seems to be polarized, for example, between
loving the woman (the mother) who is now, as it usually happens, hated
by the father, and the new woman (the stepmother) whom the father
deeply loves. Virginia Rutter describes this conflict as "divided
loyalty". She further explains that the child feels torn because their
parents are pulling them in opposite directions. The symptoms of this
divided royalty are that they brew up bad behavior or depression, a
forced psychological path to resolve the conflict between the parents
(Rutter). On the other hand children whose parents remain single do
not experience this because no new figure (stepparent) is introduced
to trigger that psychological trauma.
Reference cited:
================
Rutter, Virginia. "Lessons From Stepfamilies". Psychology Today.
Sussex Publishers, Inc. May-June 1994 Vol27 n3 p30 (10). Oct. 31,
2002.
====
From "Exploring the Difficulties of stepmothers in the Hong Kong
Chinese Society," by Kwok Yuen-ching, Lily.The Hong Kong Polytechnic
University (1998)
http://swforum.socialnet.org.hk/article/fulltext/990502.doc
(Excerpts taken from this article are those applicable to Western
Society)
"Stepmothers are also found to have more problematic relationship with
stepchildren; while children, particularly girls, also experience
higher stress when they are living with their stepmothers. (Jacobson,
1987 in Visher & Visher, 1993). Visher & Visher (1979) suggested that
teenage daughters identify strongly with their mothers and resent any
woman who replaces their mother for the father's affection. Teenage
daughters also exhibit much competitiveness with their stepmothers for
their father's affection. These findings suggested that there are
strong situational dynamics at work that create special relationship
problems for stepmother families. Difficulty between the children's
mother and stepmother has also been mentioned as a possible
contribution to the greater stress in stepmother families. (Visher &
Visher 1988)
"In a study by Brown (1987 in Ganong & Coleman, 1994), many
stepmothers acknowledged that the most troublesome stepfamily
relationship in the beginning was their relationship with the
stepchildren's biological mother. The more frequent contact
stepdaughters have with their non-custodial mother, the more difficult
it is to develop a strong bond between stepmothers and their
stepchildren. (Vuchinich et. al, 1991)
***
"The reason may be that the girls have more intimate relationship and
identification with their mothers that made stepmother-stepdaughter
relationship more difficult to be established. (Visher & Visher 1979)
***
"On the contrary, if the relationship between the stepmother and the
children is closer, the children may be blamed for betraying the
non-custodial parent and experience loyalty conflict."
References Cited:
================
Ganong & Coleman. Remarried Family Relatioships Sage Publications.
(1994)
Visher, J.S. & Visher, E.B. "Stepfamilies: A Guide To Working With
Stepparents & Stepchildren." Brunner/Mazel New York (1979)
Visher, J.S. & Visher, E.B. "Old Loyalties,New Ties." Therapeutic
Strategies with Stepfamilies Brunner/Mazel New York (1988)
Visher, J.S. & Visher, E.B. " Remarriage Families and Stepparenting"
in Walsh, T. (ed.) Normal Family Processes. New York Guilford Press
(1993)
Vuchinich S. et al (1991) "Parent-Child Interaction and Gender
Differences in Early Adolescents." Adaptation to Stepfamilies.
Developmental Psychology 1991 Vol. 27, No.4
============================
ADOLESCENCE GETS IN THE WAY!
============================
Compounding the problems in relationships between stepmothers and
stepdaughters are the overall difficulties surrounding bonding with a
"new" parent during adolescence.
From "Interventions That Work for Stepfamilies." Family and
Relationships. American Psychological Association. (1995)
http://helping.apa.org/family/step.html
"The most difficult aspect of stepfamily life is parenting, according
to Bray's research. Forming a stepfamily with young children may be
easier than forming one with adolescent children due to the differing
developmental stages."
"Young children may have it easier because "both young children and
the stepfamily as a unit need close, cohesive family relationships and
the centripetal forces of stepfamily formation coincide with the need
that young children have for affective involvement and structure,".
****
"Adolescents, however, would rather separate from the family as they
form their own identities. "The developmental needs of the adolescent
are at odds with the developmental push of the new stepfamily for
closeness and bonding,".
"Recent research suggests that younger adolescents (age 10-14) may
have the most difficult time adjusting to a stepfamily. Older
adolescents (age 15 and older) need less parenting and may have less
investment in stepfamily life, while younger children (under age 10)
are usually more accepting of a new adult in the family, particularly
when the adult is a positive influence. Young adolescents, who are
dealing with identity formation issues, tend to be more oppositional."
****
==================================
STEPMOTHERS RARELY CONSIDERED "MOM"
==================================
From "Stepmoms step up to the plate," by Karen S. Peterson, USA TODAY.
(5/6/2002)
http://www.usatoday.com/life/2002/2002-05-07-stepmom.htm
"For a variety of reasons, not all stepchildren hold their stepmoms
dear to their hearts. A growing body of disturbing research documents
that the myth of the "evil stepmother" dies hard.
* Her new husband's children may simply never truly accept her, a
woman they see as an interloper. *
Among recent findings suggesting that stepmoms are often not cherished
by stepchildren:
"Only about 20% of adult stepkids feel close to their stepmoms, says
the pioneering work of E. Mavis Hetherington involving 1,400 families
of divorce, some studied almost 30 years. "The competition between
non-custodial mothers and stepmothers was remarkably enduring," she
writes in For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered."
"Only about one-third of adult children think of stepmoms as parents,
suggests Constance Ahrons' 20-year research project. Half regard their
stepdads as parents. About 48% of those whose moms had remarried were
happy with the new union. Only 29% of those whose dads had remarried
liked the idea of a stepmom. Ahrons is a sociologist and senior
researcher with the non-profit Council on Contemporary Families.
========================================
DEVELOPING A RELATIONSHIP WILL TAKE TIME
========================================
Bringing a stepmother into the existing family is going to create
bonding issues even if the stepmother has no children of her own.
Natural bonds exist within the family before the stepmother enters. It
is almost unrealistic to expect a stepmother to easily create bonds
that have developed over years within the natural family.
From "Exploring the Difficulties of stepmothers in the Hong Kong
Chinese Society," by Kwok Yuen-ching, Lily.The Hong Kong Polytechnic
University (1998)
http://swforum.socialnet.org.hk/article/fulltext/990502.doc
(Excerpts taken from this article are those applicable to Western
Society)
"The adults in the stepfamily very frequently expect quick acceptance
and love from the children, but deep down, members in the stepfamily
may not feel the bond of caring and love as they lack the time and
memory to create such feeling. The inability of the children to live
up to these expectations produces strong negative feelings in the
adults."
"Stepmothers feels rejection and unappreciation and very often anger
and withdrawal follow, expressed as "Who needs this"? It is made more
complicated as there is a natural parent-child bonding which pre-dates
the marital relationship, so it is easy for a parent-child subsystem
to be established excluding the stepparent. Eagerness to create
family togetherness will easily lead to discomfort, (Smith, 1990) but
sometimes, outward signals and signs are continuously sought in many
stepfamilies to demonstrate that caring and love really exist. (Visher
& Visher, 1979)
References cited:
=================
Smith, Donna. "Stepmothering." Harvester Wheatsheaf. New York
(1990)
Visher, J.S. & Visher, E.B. "Stepfamilies: A Guide To Working With
Stepparents & Stepchildren." Brunner/Mazel New York (1979)
===
From "NEW PERSPECTIVES ON STEPFAMILIES:STEP IS NOT A FOUR LETTER
WORD," by Susan Gamache, M.A., R.C.C.* STEPFAMILIES, Fall 1994
http://www.saafamilies.org/education/articles/prof/gameche.htm
"It seems that the time it takes for children to accept another adult
in a parent-like role has been misunderstood and, at times, greatly
underestimated. Mills suggests that this process takes children a
period of time equal to their age at the time of transition. Using
this formula, a child of six months would need six months to accept
the new adult in a parent-like role. For a child of six years, by the
time she/he is twelve, this new adult could be considered in a
parent-like role. However, if the child is 12 or 14 at the time of
transition, he/she would have to be 20 or 24 to fulfill this formula."
"By this time, the young person is a young adult and not generally in
the market for new parents. Using this formula, it is not recommended
that potential stepparents assume a parental role with children who
are teenagers at the time of transition. In general, it seems that
teenagers are not available for any more parents. in fact, at times
they are hardly available for their own. This does not mean, however,
that older children cannot develop and benefit from a relationship
with a new adult. What it does mean is that another model of
relationship, such as coach, friend of the family, favorite aunt or
uncle, may be a better fit with their availability at the time.
Remember, the developmental task of adolescence is to experiement with
independence from parents, not to take on more parents."
"This formula also liberates stepfamilies to use a flexible model that
responds to the difference bween establishing a relationship with a 6
month old baby and a 16 year old teenager. Equally, different models
can be combined. The same kind of relationship style does not have to
be used for all the children. For instance if there are two
stepchildren, one 5 and one 9 at the time of transition, it is likely
that the 5 year old will accept the new adult as a parent-like figure
long before the 9 year old."
========
From "A Player to be Named Later." North Heartland Community Church
(1996)
http://www.northheartland.org/1996/051996m.htm#1a
"In the biological family, the children grow into relationships as
they mature. Affection, house rules, turf adjustments, family taboos,
and structure of authority all evolve and are constituted into the
child's life at a relatively slow and even pace. Children cannot mark
the moment when they first understand that they have mother and
father, sister and brother because such relationships have forever
been a part of their environment.
"Not so in the stepfamily. A child is introduced to a new parent and
is expected immediately to embrace this person and treat that person
with all the respect and homage we feel is due. Factor in a
stepbrother or stepsister or two, and it verges on being too much for
the young mind to process ... Even when the child has positive
expectations of the relationship, the reality of the new roles may
demand difficult adjustments. The child may even be forced to deal
with grief because the new marriage means that the dream of reuniting
mom and dad has been crushed."6
Reference cited:
===============
"Stepparent Is Not a Bad Word," by David Z. Nowell, Ph.D
=========
I hope these references are useful. If I can clarify anything for you
further, please don't hesitate to ask! I will be more than happy to
help if I can.
umiat-ga
Google Search Strategy
+research on stepmothers and stepdaughters
+bonding between stepmothers and stepdaughters
stepmother bonding issues
stepfamilies
stepfamily association of america
problems between stepmothers and stepdaughers
the cinderella complex
benfranklin,
I have found a few more references for you.
Again, while only one centers specifically on stepmothers, the
articles do show that there is often a different emotional tie to
one's biological children than to a stepchild, at least at first.
However, it should be stressed that many families have done a
wonderful job of creating loving and succesful stepfamilies. And in
many cases, a loving stepparent has taken over when a biological
parent has abandoned their own children.
===
The following article is a bit "frightening" and could really be used
as ammunition if taken to represent all stepmothers, which I don't
believe is the case!! It also comes from a somewhat biased website:
A site for Caring Parents and the Children they love!
http://www.geocities.com/wellesley/9204/custody.html
From "Differences Found in Care With Stepmothers," by Tamar Lewin, Tim
Shaffer for The New York Times Susan Sasse, vice president of the
International Stepfamily Association, with her husband, Erik, and
their children in Chesapeake City, Md. (August 17, 2000)
http://www.geocities.com/thesagacontinues2000/stepmoms.html
"Children raised in families with stepmothers are likely to have less
health care, less education and less money spent on their food than
children raised by their biological mothers, three studies by a
Princeton economist have found. The studies examined the care and
resources that parents said they gave to children and did not assess
the quality of the relationships or the parents' feelings and motives.
But experts said that while the findings did not establish the image
of the wicked stepmother as true, they supported the conclusion that,
for complex reasons, stepmothers do invest less in children than
biological mothers do, with fathers, to a large extent, leaving to
women the responsibility for the family's welfare."
Read further.....
=======
From "What's Normal In a Stepfamily"? by Peter K. Gerlach, MSW. Board
member
Stepfamily Association of America
http://sfhelp.org/04/reality3.htm
"Many well-meaning stepparents and relatives, specially some
religiously devout people, believe "When we re/wed, I should
(immediately) care for your child/ren as much as for mine." Even if
they arrived when their stepchild was, say, under six years old, many
stepparents guiltily report favoring their own child/ren (or close
nieces and nephews) at first. This can be particularly true if their
biokids are teens. Besides the unique genetic and ancestral ties that
unite them, biodads and biomoms have shared life experiences with
their own children for years. Usually they've spent much less time
with their stepchild/ren. One way of assessing reality here is to
consider bluntly: "If our house was burning now, which kid(s) would
you or I save first?" Usually blood is thicker than water! A rose
doesn't have to apologize for not being a lily."
"Typical stepparents and stepkin may genuinely feel equal concern for
bio and step kids, after a long (e.g. five or more years), active
pre-re/marriage friendship or custodial stepfamily history. Otherwise,
the reality to accept without guilt is: "I love my (bio)kid/s more (or
differently) than yours, so far, and that's natural and OK!"
"Relatives on all sides of a multi-home stepfamily face the same
potential inner conflict about genuinely including new stepchildren as
family "equals." These dilemmas are most often felt at initial holiday
or special celebration times, and when co-parents or their relatives
make post-re/marriage wills. The "fairness" struggles usually recede
as a stepfamily's familiarity, identity, and history builds, but that
isn't certain."
===
From "Differences Between Children."
"How do you blend children with personalities that are so different?
It seems as if I am favoring my child and overly punishing my
stepchild." Answered by Francesca Adler-Baeder, Ph.D. Successful
Stepfamilies.
http://www.successfulstepfamilies.com/view.php/id/59
Excerpt:
(Regarding stepfamilies).."In most cases a parent does have stronger
emotional attachment and love for his or her biological child than the
stepchild. It is okay to admit this to yourself. Step relationships
take time to develop and love relationships don't always develop
between a stepparent and a stepchild; don't allow yourself to be
pushed into comparing a child with a stepchild. For example, a
response to a stepchild's accusation (or question) might be, "I have a
different relationship with every member of this family. I don't
compare them. Every member of this family is cared for, respected, and
valued. We have family rules and values that apply to every person in
this family."
"So yes, you may be more attached to your biological child than your
stepchild, and yes, different children's behaviors may elicit
different responses from you. That said, there is still much that an
adult can do to promote fairness and to give children (both biological
and stepchildren) feelings of being cared for and valued."
=========
Google Search Strategy
+stepparents +favoring own children
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