Why do women go back to abusive men?

Published by: wktd 2009-01-09

Just to name some of the things he did - He blew snot in her face, grabbed her, made her kiss his feet in apology, abused her dog and literally kicked it out of the house so it ran on the street out of fear and got run over and killed, was extremely jealous of her and didn't like whe she went out, was controlling, yet he was always the victim, then finally he kicked her in the back when she was 3 months pregnant - at which point she had enough. Separated from him for almost 3 years.

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During this time she got in a great relationship, with a great guy, they didn't work out so they broke up last winter, she tried to find someone new, after about 3-4 months of no luck (being a single mother it can be difficult) - she decided to get back together with her boyfriend in the spring time (not the abusive one but the great guy) for a short period of time thing's were ok, but they just weren't right for each other so it didn't work out and they split.

So now she has decided to reconcile with her abusive ex - he is the biological father of her child, but has not been in his child's life, has not been paying support - But now he's back in her life, involved with the child - I feel like she is making such a huge mistake and I want to help her realize this, but I feel like there is nothing I can do. As a friend I am very concerned.

Maybe he has changed, it has been a few years. But why does she want to risk getting pregnant and getting kicked in back again? only this time to have her 4 year old son witness it all?

I don't understand, It's sad and I'm worried for the welfare of her and son.

Her abusive ex is being extremely nice to her, oh baby I love you sooo much, you are so wonderful blah blah - I feel it's an act of manipulation or just temporary bliss - and several months down the road when they get comfortable with each other the abuse will come back.

Do abusive men change? Do extremely dysfunctional relationships ever go back to normal - even if there was a few years break.

Also - I should add that she is desperate to get married, have more kids, she is 30, and is absolutely petrified of being alone - try to talk to her about it and she waters up - it's almost like she is doing this as a last resort, "I am not worth any better" type of thing.

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I am of the opinion abusive people rarely change their stripes. They don't want to.

As far as why women go for it? Maybe they don't have enough self esteem to realize what they are doing is wrong for them and their kids/or they kid themselves thinking he will change/or they could just not want to have to be on their own.

They go back for a bunch of reasons. The problem is that NONE OF THEM ARE LOGICAL. Trying to make sense out of people who go back to abusive spouses is impossible because they make no sense.

If you'd stop using your brains and start using insecurity, idiotcy, and emotional retardation, you'll get it.

PLEASE PLEASE STOP HER!! I HAVE JUST GOT out of a emotionaly/phiscaly abusive realationship i was in for six years..we have a 14 month old daughter together and let me tell you.. He has bruised me, choked me, pulled my hair, threatned to kill me and my family, pushed me, kicked me, punched me, slapped me....ect and ect i can go on and on.. finally i got enough courage to leave him and call the cops...now i may be in a custody battle but it the only thing that saved mine and her life was my OWN STRANGTH AND WISDOM TO GET OUT... I HAVE LEFT HIM THREE TIMES BEFORE IN THE PAST AND HIM ALWAYS PROMICING ME HE WILL CHANGE AND EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER.....******* WRONG..... HE NEVER CHANGED...ABUSERS ARE LIKE TIGERS..THE STRIPEs BEING THE ABUSE...THEY CAN ROLL IN THE MUD AND COVER UP THERE STRIPES....BUT THEY WILL NEVER GO AWAY.... SHE NEEDS SUPPORT AND SOMEONE TO TELL HER TO NOT GO BACK IF I WANSNT SMART AND CARED FOR THE SAFTLY OF MY DAUGHTER I WOULD BE DEAD TODAY..... IT IS NOT FUNNY OR A JOKE ABUSEERS ARE MULIPITVE AND PASSIVE...HE IS AT THE HONEY MOON STAGE....KINDNESS...GIVE IT TIME....IT WILL BE THE......ANGER PASSIVE CONTROLE STAGE.....THE BAM THE EXPLOSIVE AND THATS ALL ITS GOING TO TAKE.....ABUSERS DO NOT DO NOT DO NOT CHANGE I AM A VICTOM AND I AM NOW DOING THIS INFORMING OTHERS ABOUT HOW ABUSERS DO NOT CHANGE...... PLEASE READ THIS POEM TO YOUR FRIEND PLEASE PLEASE: