Okay, I turned this poem into my teacher, and she handed it back to me, telling me it wasn't good enough and that it needed imagery... I've changed it up a little but not much at all. Please, only constructive criticism; I'd hate to have to report you.
My Dearest Friend...
I strive to be my best in all that I do,
But never wind up feeling satisfied,
Although I tried my hardest to help you,
You, in return, weren't one bit gratified.
I called you on the phone today to talk
Of things I heard you were going through,
But by my plea, you were silenced with shock,
That I would call to talk only of you.
I want to help, I want to be your friend,
I want to comfort you in troubling times,
But sad to say your outlook needs to mend,
For I am sick of your pathetic whines.
Your stash of innocence is running out,
Next time I call, its me we talk about. GoAnimate - Watch animation - A poem to my Sweet Heart::
Your love for me inflames my love for you. I can't help being moody, I know I'm lucky to have someone who Will love me through this, day by troubled day. . Edit. Please wait. Do you use a social network? Yes, Facebook.
http://goanimate.com/movie/0ii63jH_n4aM/1HOME |
hfghfghfghcgh
u must ask ur miss
what is wrong where is the error,
madam.
she will not say
for she hadnt applied her mind ,
then she will add ok,
now its fine.
just change a
comma here and there
and my student do not despair.
once i had a teacher who gave me zero
and coz of her kindness today i am a hero
thanks to hello canada
love the last two lines, it makes you think
First off, I want to make sure you know what imagery is. Imagery is when you put something in your writing that readers can make a mind picture with; that they can visualize. I've added some... Hope it helps.
My Dearest Friend...
I strive to be my best in all that I do,
But never wind up feeling satisfied,
Although I sprint through storms to help you,
You got up and walked away, not gratified.
I called you, reaching both warm hands out, to talk
Of things I heard you were going through,
But by my plea, you were silenced with shock,
That I would call to talk only of you.
I want to cradle you, I want to be your friend,
I want to comfort you in troubling times,
But sad to say your torn outlook needs to mend,
For I am sick of your pathetic whines.
Your stash of innocence is running out,
Next time I call, it's me we talk about.
Wow that's relay Pretty! I can't think of eny thing to change but Good Luck!
Yeah, I agree, I have no clue why your teacher gave it back to you. It's really good. I made me think about my friend also.
The only thing I would suggest is your use of punctuation. For example, every line doesn't need a comma in it, only if you want the reader to pause while reading it.
I also disagree with your teacher when she said that you needed imagery because the poem is very literal, and it is only meant to describe an event rather than an object.
i think its great idk y she handed it back
what grade are you in? that would help to know the level it needs to be.
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Will you help me edit my poem?